Bewitched, bothered and bewildered

So Barbie has just left my place and biked home. We’ve actually spent a large part of the day together. Went for a long run together (it’s been beautiful here today). Then she came over for dinner and the plan was to go to the cinema. However, fate as well as she, it seems, would have other plans.

Imagine this. You’ve just finished a very nice dinner together with someone you like. Conversation’s gone really well and you’ve connected a little bit more than before, you’re actually getting to know each other. You get ready to leave for the cinema, she goes to the bathroom for a moment and you put on your coat. When she comes out she says, just like that almost matter-of-factly, “What do you want with this thing, is it just for fun for you or are you serious about it?” This was an ambush that Vietcong would’ve been proud of. Look up ‘stunned’ on Wikipedia and you’ll see my picture. She added, so as to complete the blackmail situation she had so cunningly engineered, that she asked because “she does not want to get hurt” and that if I’m only interested in something short-term then we’d better stop it. I had the feeling she suppressed the words “right now”. Then again, this was not said in any agitated state but it was all very civilised.

I said in a deliberately only moderately convincing manner that no, I’m not interested in something short-term or just “for fun” (aka f*ck buddy – at least that’s how I interpreted her). I said that if her question was spawned by my having told her last Saturday that yes, I’m ready to date, but that my hesitation – which I believe is a legitimate hesitation – is due simply to the fact that the recent news that la parisienne returns in a week’s time (rather than in August) to work in my unit has, well, disturbed my circles. I said that no, I do not harbour any feelings of hope or desire to get back with la parisienne, but again I am affected by the news of her imminent return. Then we hugged and kissed and decided not to go to the cinema but to watch The Matrix at my place, a film she hadn’t seen. Lots of snogging, which by now is getting tedious, but again nothing further on the physical front.

Yes, dear readers, I’m confused and befuddled, my brain is addled, my noodle is baked. W-T-F. I do not – repeat – do not consider ambush tactics to be anything but childish game-play, which does not belong among adults. Yes, we needed a talk but no, we didn’t need it after having spent hours upon hours of great time together today and just as we are about to go out. And the question she asked is wrong; it is not whether I want something short-term or not, but whether there is any emotional basis between the two of us for trying anything at all, short-term or long-term. I mean, it’s not like we can move forward any slower, is it? For F’s sake, it’s like running a car on brake fluid!

And no – just for the record – I do not appreciate being served with an “I don’t want to get hurt” as a reason, even when the question is as stupid as the one she asked. This is how it is, babe: it’s life and this is how relationships start. You’re not likely to get killed, but you run the risk of having your heart broken. So in order to play you’re required to insert into the slot machine at least parts of your heart before pulling the handle. Who knows, maybe you’ll get lucky and win, maybe even the biggest fattest hugest prize of them all with a life-long payment scheme. But, as we all know, odds are against you statistically speaking. Then again, if you still wanna play then you gotta pay. And no, there’s no insurance policy you can take so if you lose, you stand there, broke and broken. So don’t give me any of that “I don’t want to get hurt” crap. Deal with it and take it, should it come, as an adult woman. Eat chocolate, ice cream, whinge to your friends, go out and date like crazy and jump every even remotely male-looking man, start a new hobby, exercise, whatever the hell women do to get over male bastards who’ve dumped them. But do not ambush me and imply that I’m to blame for failing to prove to you that I’m keen on a real relationship when in actual fact it is you, my dear, who’s the obstacle to this going anywhere. I mean, for God’s sake, how, if not by touching and kissing you and showing affection, am I supposed to prove my interest?

Man, I’m upset. And quite honestly, I’m losing interest, though I have not yet shown it. I do believe that by now we’ve gone way past what is normal regarding physical progress when dating someone. It’s not fun any longer and I’m not even looking forward to it, should it ever happen. There is such a thing as pleasures of anticipation, but this is going too far. She’s a grown-up woman and should be able to handle these things. It’s not like when you were a virgin and it was the most precious gift you felt you could ever give to someone. Besides, she’s been in five long-term relationships, ranging from 9 months to 4 years. So it’s not like this is a new situation for her.

At the very least the situation which she created tonight provides us with a basis from which to hold further discussions on this matter. As they would diplomatically say in politics when the opposite side has come up with an utterly ridiculous proposal.

Envy sucks

Yesterday morning, my friend and office mate Rubs suddenly stood up from his desk and started pacing back and forth. “What’s up?” I asked. “I miss my son, I think I’m going to the creche to see how he’s doing”. And off he went. Half an hour he returned, visibly happy. I was left with mixed feelings, partly unhappy, in fact envious of the fact that his 28-year-old life has overtaken my 34-year-old life, that he has so much more than me, basically that in the race of life he’s far ahead of me. You see, I can’t see that I’m different from, or worse than, him. I actually think I’m pretty good and so I feel that by now should have been able to achieve what he’s got. Another part of me was feeling that I’ve got so much more to live for – the sheer freedom of being unattached is mindboggling. There’s nothing holding me back, tying me down, except perhaps having to be in the office certain hours of the day. But apart from that I’m F-R-E-E, free.

In the evening, Rubs, Big in Japan, Sicillian and I committed “pescocide” at our fave Japanese resto in town. This is a tradition that goes a few years back whereby we eat various forms of nigiris and sashimis until we basically burst. And drink copious amounts of Japanese beer (Kirin in my case). And plum wine of course. We always close the place and the staff is waiting by the exit as we leave, invariably after midnight.

Much of the evening’s discussion centred on Sicilian’s upcoming April wedding in Italy. He is very happy that he’s getting married, that much is clear. Though one thing he said made me wonder why the hell is doing it. He and his fiancée had discussed rings and he had said something to the effect that “I’m going to wear the ring at the wedding and then not anymore”. She had rightly asked what (the hell) he meant and he had said “Well, do I always have to wear it, at work for instance?” She had become “quite upset” in his words, read “she was likely fuming”.

Anyway, this, again, spawned feelings of envy, but this time mixed with disgust. Here you have a man, who has been able to hold on to a woman for several years, even when they’ve been apart (she’s been studying in Italy and only last year joined him in the same country as I’m in, which is not Italy haha). I know that during the time he’s been in this country he’s not been faithful. For accuracy’s sake, I feel I should add that I do not know if their rather stormy relationship was “on hold” or if they were “on a break” at the time of these, umm, indiscretions (at least two of them and I know both women). I also know that he loves his fiancée. But his statement regarding the ring seen in light of his previous behaviour made me realise that this is a man who doesn’t understand the value of his treasure and that he’s taking it for granted.

The discussion made me remember what my good friend BiertjeMan once told me about Italians, a people with whom he’s got certain links. It’s fairly accepted in Italy that men have affairs on the side. It’s even worse: women, when they are about to get married, understand that their husbands-to-be will be actively looking around and flirting with direct malicious intent to follow through should something materialise. It’s understood that the women do not have the same right and that the husband has the right to expect to be able to come home to his wife without having to hear complaints. It’s shocking.

I am envious of those who have found someone that they’re willing to marry, because I believe the union of two individuals is beautiful. It’s among the very few miracles on this planet that each of us has at least a fair chance of making happen. And there he is, the Sicilian, squandering the wealth that he’s been given. And that disgusts me.

This evening’s adventure

On an earlier occasion I demoted Hungry Hungarian to a Potential Shag. Well this afternoon, seeing that my eve was unplanned and, well, quite frankly, that I wanted to test her new status, I texted:

“Hey, fancy some xbox gaming* tonight?”

She liked the idea. So we spent the evening playing Midtown Madness 3 and Colin McRae on my Xbox, drank a bottle of wine and had plenty of popcorn. I was impressed, she was actually a good gamer (appropriate Coolness Points added to her profile).

There was a definite sexual tension right from the start. Lots of uses of the F word, her – supposedly commenting on her mowing down some pedestrians – repeatedly saying how she likes it “nasty”, even an admission that she’s got a bit of a bi streak and had been with women.**

But nothing happened. And it cannot be that I was pushy because I wasn’t. And it cannot be that I was a cold fish either. There was kino several times (she whopped my arse on one occasion and unlocked new races as a result, something which I had failed to do, and I showed my interest by giving her a kiss). Anyway, it surprised me that she was so indifferent.

So when she left a few minutes ago, the goodbye was sort of odd. Distinct cheek kissing and then ciao. And just as I am typing this I receive the following sms:

“Just got home. Fun evening, to be repeated! “

Women are weird.

* Kindly note that I am a geek. In fact I grew up with the C64, games on tapes (floppies were barely heard of and if seen IRL were of the 5,25″ kind), the Amiga, Atari, Spectrum. I was actually a member of a hacker group. But that’s another story.

** Suitable apologies offered profusely for the level of detail.