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Ok maybe I am a whining s.o.b and maybe I over react sometimes. Perhaps I’m just passionate. Or simply inexperienced when it comes to relationships. Or all of the above. Forgive my rants.
la parisienne and I met, went for a long walk (she wanted to meet in a cafe first but I’d rather kill myself than talk relationship details in a public place) and talked. Honestly, it felt really good. I only asked of her two things: 1) that if she falls in love with someone she’ll tell me so I won’t have to hear it on the grapevine – I promised her to do the same, 2) that she respects the fact that she broke my heart and acts accordingly when we happen to meet out, since our social circles overlap significantly. Initially, she had some trouble understanding what I meant but when I explained she agreed that this wasn’t bad ideas.
So I told her about Barbie. Actually she recently received some info about this, which surprised me. I mean, the woman’s been back one week and is already into the gossip. And moreover, so am I. She’d heard about it from a mutual friend of ours, and a colleague of Barbie’s, who had seen the two of us together one day. Well what can you do? Someone will always find out. And it is definitely not my thing to keep things secret (I did that with Selfish Engaged Bitch and have since concluded that it’s demeaning if only one wants to do it).
The thing with la parisienne is that she has never been broken up with. Let me say that again, she’s never had her heart broken. Dating her, I broke one of my cardinal rules. After Scottish Lass, I’d sworn not to date someone so inexperienced. They will treat you like a fouryearold who rips off the legs of an insect because it doesn’t understand the meaning of life and death.
So when I told la parisienne that I am experiencing problems connecting emotionally with Barbie because of the news of la parisienne’s return as I’m still emotionally tied to her, she didn’t understand. Actually she said she couldn’t understand how the fact that a relationship had just ended, with you as the losing party, could affect your ability to start something new. I was truly surprised but again it just further underlined my impression that la parisienne is a kid.
In November we broke up on the phone. Seeing her over Christmas made me realise that we’d not really broken up and that I still nurtured a hope and a wish that we’d get back together. Seeing her yesterday – regardless of what I wrote below in my late night drunken depressed and shocked-at-seeing-her rant – made me realise that I have, finally, put her behind me.
Friends, I feel like I’m about to start something wonderful with Barbie and I won’t allow anything to hinder it. The road ahead is empty, perhaps just wet from the rain that fell last night, and now glistening with hope and promise in the morning sun. I see it’s dark, confident and safe surface before me and how it undulates over the green landscape. I’m just dying to see where it leads and what will happen along the way. Imagine, all along the only thing missing was a talk with la parisienne.
Thanks for reading.
Friends, I guess you’ve wondered about Barbie so let me give you an update. Last blip on the grid was Sunday 11th. Since then my work has taken all my time but so has hers, plus the poor thing has been really sick following our run that Sunday. She even got lots of little red spots, which made me worried. Anyway, I’m very happy to report that she got better towards the end of last week. Sadly, I had to spend the whole weekend working (8 am-10 pm…both days…yes, I’m exhausted this week) and so couldn’t see her.
On Saturday she asked if I wanted to come over for dinner after which I could’ve rejoined my team and continued working but I felt – rightly or wrongly, I don’t know – that I should not abandon my team and go off and do something fun when they would be left for an hour and a half doing hard work.
This means that Barbie and I haven’t seen each other for ten days. I’ve thought so much about her it’s ridiculous. I’ve felt that I miss her. In fact, when I’m feeling happy, I think about her, I feel that I want to share the happiness with her somehow. It’s a strange feeling. We’ve texted almost daily and I have begun ending my messages with “x” or even “xx”. She does the same. Thursday evening, when she was the most sick, we talked on the phone for a long while and it was so nice. I definitely didn’t want to hang up. It made me realise that I really wanted to get to know her, spend more time with her, find out who she is. After we hung up, I texted “I realise I haven’t shown it well so far but I’d really like to get to know you”. She sent me more texts after but did not comment on this text. We also texted yesterday and in the evening I sent a rather silly and pathetic “yoho, perhaps you’re asleep. I just wanted to wish a good night. x” She hasn’t replied yet…
Tomorrow she’s going to Val d’Isère for an extended weekend of skiing. She’s really looking forward to it. This morning I woke up with an idea. My brother has volunteered for the Red Cross in the past and once gave me a red plastic heart filled with a liquid and a little metal piece, which, when bent, will start a chemical reaction. This “freezes” the liquid, the heart goes all hard and becomes really hot. It lasts for an hour or so and can be used for warming hands or one’s tummy etc. Anyway, my idea was to give her this for her trip.
I can’t believe I went through with this. Anyway, I put the heart in an envelope, wrote “B. Something to keep you warm in the slopes” on it, and sent it to her via internal mail. Without writing my name…So far I haven’t heard anyting. God, I must have done something really stupid! Perhaps she thinks it’s from some freak and doesn’t want to ask me if I sent it for fear of giving the impression that she believes that I would be capable of doing something so utterly lame.
So today and tonight I have not texted feeling that I’ve, well, done enough. That’s the latest.
Man, why can’t things ever be easy? So I’m sitting yesterday in a drafting meeting with my team when an email pops up from la parisienne, the first one since I asked her not to be in touch:
Hi [a.b],
I’m sorry to break the silence… I have to inform you (before you hear it from someone else) that i’m going back in Mid-March. I’ve been offered a six-month position [in the same unit you work]. I start on the 18th.
I hope you’re fine.
Bises
[la parisienne]
My reply, sent at 2330 hours in the evening:
Hi [la parisienne]
Thanks for letting me know. Congratulations.
[a.b.]
On Sunday, Barbie and I went skating. You know, indoors at one of those tracks where you go round and round. I had brought hot chocolate in a thermos and some gingerbread cookies. The while thing was way cool! I haven’t skated for probably two decades. But I still remembered how. Barbie was very good and even managed to go backwards. I noticed a very clear competitive streak in her, and that she was comparing herself with me. When I showed that I could brake in that very cool way of skidding sideways, much the same way as one does when skiing, she was appeared upset until she figured it out herself. I’m sure it’s only acting though, but to be quite honest even if it isn’t I don’t mind, in light of la parisienne’s eternal inability to decide on anything.
Afterwards, we went home to her place and cooked dinner. Then we spent two hourse snogging on one of her big sofas. This was the first time we had something even close to “the talk”.
Adventure boy: *lying with head on Barbie’s tummy, not looking in her eyes*: When did you and your ex break up?
Barbie: In November. Why?
A.B: Just wondering. So did we. Do you feel you’re ready to start dating again?
- pause – Yes, stupid question, I mean she’s doing it, right? But my question was more in light of my own perceived inability to do so freely. Anyway, we continue.
B: Yes, I think so. Are you?
I replied that I think so, not wanting to appear as if I’m wasting her time.
Then some more snogging and she got excited but interrupted with “Do you mind if we take it slow with this?” I looked her in the eyes and said, honestly, “No I don’t mind at all”. And you know what? I actually don’t. There’s a reason (apart from the fact that I find her attractive) that I’ve snogged and kissed her on several occasions and that is that I want her to see me as a sexual individual and that I don’t want her to think I’m not interested or that I am hesitant in light of my own fear of not being entirely ready to start something new. So yes, I’m very happy to take it easy with her because I think my point, so to speak, has been made towards her. Anyway, soon after this I shipped myself home in a taxi.
You know what really bugs me (and this really concerns me)? It is that during these five dates we’ve had, I haven’t felt that she’s attracted to me physically. Don’t get me wrong, I know she’s kissed me and played with my hair (saying, in a surprised voice, “wow how soft it is”…), but all this has been when I have initiated contact. There has been no contact from her of her own motion. She’s never taken my hand. I feel as if she’s not crazy about me and that I’m alone in keeping the connection alive between us. It’s a weird feeling, but it boils down to not feeling that she reciprocates my interest. And, quite simply, I need that reciprocation, I need more proof that she’s with me because likes me, than just the fact that she’s in time and place where I am. I need that recognition or validation.
Is it normal after five (5) dates that we haven’t moved further than this? And yes, I mean physically speaking, as well as in terms of confirmation from her that she’s interested in me. Maybe I’m asking too much after a short time? Does it have to do with her being a year or two over 30 and so more choosy than other girls I’ve dated, who’ve been, let’s say, more eager? Or wasn’t she honest when she said she’s ready to date? I’m very confused.
Add to this the email from la parisienne. I still find her incredibly attractive, though the jury’s still out on whether it is because I perceive I can’t have her or if it is because I still have genuine feelings for her. If it is the former, then I get confused because in a way the situation is similar with Barbie and so I should, on that basis, feel a stronger interest in Barbie. I’m lost.
I sat at work today listening to music while working and caught my thoughts having wondered off in the direction of what Spanish Prosecutor told me at BiertjeMan’s birthday party:
“When she’s back [...] you fight for her, you fight with nails and claws, and all you’ve got”.
Well, I certainly didn’t follow that advice very well when sending that reply email to her. Perhaps I screwed up. But I have resolved to be strong and not buckle under the pressure with la parisienne. I will not email her and when she’s back I will just be happy and cheerful. I will focus my entire energy, to the best of my abilities, on Barbie and see where it may lead. I’m just afraid that in doing so, I’m building something with Barbie which is based on false premises, in order to lure la parisienne back. Damn, I’m sick.
[drafting break]
And just now, I’ve returned from having seen Blood Diamond with Barbie. It’s set in Sierra Leone, which is where la parisienne is. And Jennifer Connelly is in it and would you believe it, she’s wearing a very similar type of blue top that la parisienne always wore, complaining that her boobs looked too big in it. And Jennifer C’s dark haired and looks slightly similar to la parisienne. And they’re all hanging out on the beach in some bar, just the way la parisienne told me she spent Friday and Saturday nights. From that perspective, the film wasn’t great. But in all other respects it was a really good movie.
Barbie and I kissed, as has become our custom. She smiled a lot and contrary to what I wrote above, she now seemed to show more interest in me by glancing over to me in the cinema. Still no touching though and the kissing is not hot or crazy. It’s all so veeery controlled. I’m wondering if she’s afraid of launching into something. I used to be that way but since my father died I’ve changed quite a bit. I’m also wondering if I will have the patience to stick around to find out. So many thoughts. Now it’s adventure boy’s bedtime. Thanks for reading.
Was the birthday of my Dad. He would have been 64 today. But he passed away in 2005. This is not a sad day though. Sure, I remember him particularly clearly on days like this, and I remember the pain of losing him. But no, it’s not a sad day, it’s a day for remembrance, if not celebration, of the fact that he was my Dad and that God, Fortune, Chance, call it what you will, let me have him until I was 33 and allowed me to get to know him as a friend and not only as a father.
By chance I watched an episode of Cold Feet the other day. Haven’t followed it in ages, not since I studied in Edinburgh in the late 90s. I really liked it then as a student on the verge of becoming a grown-up with a job and hopefully a family, so it was It was like getting a glimpse of the future. Or so I imagined. The episode shocked me somewhat. Karen and David Marsden have broken up and are divorcing! I sort of saw that coming but still, I was surprised. However, not as surprised as when I heard Karen, on the phone with her lover, says something to the effect that “I’m 35 years old, I’m not 50″. She’s supposed to be 35??? Bloody hell. Puts my life in some perspective, let me tell you. Two children, broken marriage, starting over. That’s some life experience. What the heck have I been doing? F. Plus, do I really look as worn out as she does? Most likely not, I mean I haven’t gone through all that stuff 
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