A Danish Weekend

Friday was, well, interesting. At around 8 p.m., I receive a phone call from a number I don’t have in my phone, no name pops up. “Hello?” “Hi, it’s Danish”. Maintain cool. “Hey, what’s up?” She proceeds to ask me if I’d like to go ice skating at this outdoor rink in the centre that same evening. She points out, as one should to friends so as not to give any false impressions, that it won’t be only the two of us but that other friends are coming too. I say yes, and we hang up. I had deliberately refrained from making plans in order to work at home that evening. Twenty minutes later she calls again saying it’s raining outside and that all of us should instead meet at a bar. So I go there, arriving five minutes late…and find that only she is there. Small talk and witty chat ensues. More interesting body language, touching my arm etc. I’m thinking the others should be arriving shortly. But nobody comes for more than an hour. I get mixed feelings about this spontaneous tete-a-tete encounter: did she deliberately organise it before the drinks in order to see me or was this just a result of the other friends always being late? Maybe it’s my ego talking (see link to article below re male and female bias when dating) but I’m inclined to believe the former. Then again maybe not. After a while her German Friend arrives, a very pretty tall blonde lady and so I find myself with two gorgeous women at a bar, much to the envy of the whole male population in the bar. I had promised to make it an early evening so after the rest of the gang has arrived and we’ve had some drinks and it’s midnight, I decide to go home to be fresh for all the serious and important work I have to do on Saturday.

Walking home I run into BiertjeMan and Gay Peruvian who are marching inappropriately like SS soldiers up and down an alley near my house. Hilarious. And of course I cannot just go home and so find myself visiting three more places. At one bar we invent a game. We summon the barmaid, a busty seemingly clueless blonde whose boyfriend is sitting at the bar playing with his laptop (odd). The game is very simple: we ask who of the three of us is gay and who is straight. Gay Peruvian is somewhat surprisingly (because he’s rather flaming) declared straight. BiertjeMan, the barmaid says, “is not as easy”. She goes for “probably straight but not sure”. Much laughter ensues. My turn, and I’m in dread as this woman’s gaydar is obviously in need of maintenance. Here she’s completely certain – gay. Even more laughter ensues, though on my part it is a forced and rather uneasy one. My God. This however leads to a Great Plan and at the next place the three of us are playing gay for the evening. Gay Peruvian and myself are a couple and BiertjeMan is our hang-around. I need perhaps not explain how amazingly popular we suddenly become with the women we meet. It was ridiculous. Guess it has something to do with women letting down their defences (also pejoratively known as ‘bitch shields’) when they meet supposedly gay men.

Fast forward to yesterday. Birthday Party of A Kiwi. A Very Long and Late Evening with A Lot of People. During which Danish and I dance – we dance really well together (and we all know what that means) – and there’s the odd “innocent” hand-holding as we pass each other in the party. At a certain moment very early in the morning she half sits/lies on one of those Fat Boy™ sacks. I lie down sideways, placing my head on her tummy and she starts caressing my arm. Well this was 4 a.m. but still. Next thing, she and I and another friend share a taxi home. Friend gets off first and then as we’re approaching my stop I say “Perhaps a cinema tomorrow evening?” She’s positive to the idea but adds, almost as if she feels that she has to, that we should check with other people as well.

Analysis. Clearly Danish and I suffer from Unclarity, a known dating-related disorder. We’re in that weird land when it’s not yet clear if we’re going to go down the Friends Route or if we’ll to try that rather more interesting, but certainly more uncertain Dating Path. It’s a fact that both men and women decide fairly quickly upon meeting a new person if they could date that person. And because Danish and I have not spent that much time together, we’ve not yet had the chance to find out which of the two ways we will choose. Add to this the fact that we’re both in this rather close, if extended and nebulous, group of friends and things become more complicated. I’m not saying that this in itself militates against dating – we’re definitely mature enough to handle such things as the awkwardness which may occur after having finished dating should it not work out. What I mean is that being in a group of friends complicates things slightly because it does constrain as more than only the connection between the two of us is, potentially, at stake should things go sour. For clean dating it’s really better to meet people who are either entirely outside, or at least more peripheral to, one’s group(s) of friends. But the problem with Danish and me is that we’re now starting to accumulate time together and unless the Unclarity is cured, we’ll automatically slide into the LJBF Land. I therefore feel I will have to be clear with her in my behaviour and approach that I’m interested. Then we’ll see where that goes.

On the topic of dating logic and how we fool ourselves when looking for a (short-term or long-term) Mate, here’s an interesting article Irish gave me the other day. Some really interesting conclusions. And it got me thinking,  especially this bit:

“Men and women selectively tune into the noisy channel of opposite-sex interest depending on their own gender-specific needs: Men scan for sexiness and availability; women scavenge for clues to personality and commitment readiness.”

I have to be honest. Sure, I’m looking for a girlfriend, or actually a girlfriend+ since it’s somehow about time I got settled (or is it? That’s a topic for a later post I think), but one has to start somewhere. But as a man, I’m still very much driven by a desire for short-term commitment and sex. This is the honest truth. When I go out, like yesterday at the party, I feel that I look at women, including Danish, not as “potential long-term partners” but as “targets for short-term pleasure which may develop into something long-term”. This is how la parisienne and I began. In fact, it’s how my last two relationships began. I am wondering, if not doubting, if it is such a smart move to go about dating this way and I feel caught in-between these two desires. I’m not sure if women feel the same way – according to the article, “women [...] tend to rally for an earlier commitment” than men, something which creates the apparent collision course of interests. But from a man’s point of view it’s tricky because we’re supposed to be seen as sexual beings, rather than nice guys, in order to attract women. The nice guy thing, which is latent in all men except rapists and mentally ill individuals, can always be brought out later. Oh well, and as I’m writing this I get a text from Danish about tonight and movies. Sorry gotta go and reply.